I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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