Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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