got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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