Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
