My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
