i need an iv and a liver transplant
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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