how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
