sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
