You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
