My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
