The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
