Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
