i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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