I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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