You're earring is so big in my mouth
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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