yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
