Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
