I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
