as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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