meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
