Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
