I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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