dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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