mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
