Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
