After last night, I could never be a politician.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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