That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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