I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
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No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I am naked and annoyed.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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