I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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