Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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