there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
