Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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