So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
