god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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