I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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