omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
