are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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