do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
