The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
