the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
