your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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