my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
