I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
