Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
