I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
