Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
