I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
