I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
