she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
