I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
