Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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