Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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