my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
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The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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