can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
