a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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