Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
