Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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