don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
