hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
