don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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