I just threw up on my dentist
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
