Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
