I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
